I’m not one to open up too much to others. I’ll be honest though, I’ve not had the best of times of late. I don’t mean to sound all “woe is me” or anything but I’ve been pretty depressed… I hadn’t really noticed how depressed I’ve been. I’d been trying to keep myself busy so that I didn’t realise it. I’ve been keeping busy with TV shows and with my new wii and singstar on the ps2. I’d also been keeping busy with my art… which I’m thankful to Ash for the shared enthusiasm. But still… I remain lost… missing something. I’ve lost my appetite for work, let alone my appetite for food too. I’ve been sick of late but wonder how much of that is stress-related. I had to express myself somewhere and where better than my blog… I’m not sure what else to say but I am reminded of a poem I wrote a while ago which I’ll share below. When I wrote it, I tried to keep the words positive in nature, trying to convince myself of an end to such feelings. How odd that years down the track, I feel the same.
“Focus Must Change” by Isreal Mathew
Have you ever had a secret
You knew you couldn’t tell
That you felt was really hard to bare
But you couldn’t help but dwell
I’ve had such issues in my life
And still do to this day
It’s hard to keep it to myself
I want to scream out loud today
Why don’t I tell I hear you ask
How terrible is your trial?
The world has seen many freaks
What makes you think you’re vial?
I think of the rejection
I’d see within your eyes
If you beheld my skeletons
That wound would me, deep inside
I look at other people
And wish I too were normal
But I can’t escape my weakness
I can’t escape the turmoil
It hunts me when I think
It kills me from inside
Life just turns to crap
And I think I want to die
I’m not afraid of death you see
I know I’d go nowhere
What’s so bad with that I think,
Considering how much I bare?
When times get rough, as they do
And I can’t see a clear way out
I think I might just end my life
I’d then be free from bout
I’ve never attempted to follow through
And am sure I never will
Cos I have friends that care for me
Who think I’m worthy still
Likely now, you think I’m troubled
And yes, you may be right
But really, what can I say?
It’s a serious mental fight
So, though I have a secret
And it’s difficult right now
I’ll keep in mind my closest friends
These thoughts will help me out
I’ll change and focus on positive things
And be a friend that cares
Be sure to find more joy in life
And be someone who shares
I may need to endure a little bit more
But with God I’m sure I’ll say
I will be better tomorrow
Until then, I’ll live today